Unlearning the rules of enjoyment
"Oh but how will I know I'm having fun??" Shhhhhh.
I am terrible at vacations. It’s such a smug-seeming failing, but I don’t mean it that way.
You know this Ram Dass quote?
I’m disposed to do everything like it’s a great weight on me.
Like, everything. If I let myself.
You should hear me sigh!
It’s because of The Rules of Enjoyment™.
You know what I mean. The rules of enjoyment.
That insistent voice, that recalcitrant belief, saying “you must feel a certain good way about good things”.
It’s the brain when it works as a prediction market for your satisfaction and then makes you pay up big when you lose.
It’s what my mother means when she tells me, ‘Expectation kills desire!’. (She is always waving a wooden spoon, or a wand, as she does.)
What I am talking about is what happens when you look at something, anything, and say ‘this should be excellent, and I must make it so!’ instead of, oh I don’t know, ‘this is something, what could it be?’.
The fact that doing the former will lead you away from enjoyment is well enough known to be among the worst bumper stickers.
It’s trite wisdom. But fuck if I can get figure out to stop.
There’s just so much risk inherent in ‘seeing what’s up’. Like, dude, WHAT IF WHAT’S UP SUCKKKKSSSS????
Despite this, there’s a distant memory in my body that low expectations and an open heart lead to gorgeous experiences.
I know that one of my favorite nights in recent memory happened after a last-minute plan cancellation that left me stranded, before I made new friends at a bar and we played 23 Ingredient Sandwich1
I know that going grocery shopping with a friend can be more pleasurable than any party.
I know that my best songs come from joyful experimentation and honest noticing.
And perhaps that’s the only true ‘rule’ of enjoyment:
You must never try at it, only recognize it when it arrives.
A final word: If you’re NYC-based and a songwriter or poet, I’m hosting a share on Memorial Day Weekend. If you’re curious to join, hmu.
Do play this game. The rules are that everyone takes turns suggesting ingredients for a sandwich until the group gets to twenty three. No ingredients may be repeated. All players must rationalize their pick.